This post will be controversial. I will probably lose “friends.” After what I’ve been through, I honestly don’t care what anyone thinks about the matter, but I need to get it off my chest.
Back in 2014 while I was pregnant with my first baby we were given a bad prognosis by the doctors. Yes, doctors, plural. After the initial diagnosis by my OB, we had additional tests run. I had several blood tests, an amniocentesis, and multiple ultrasounds. Everything came back with that same negative outcome. There was something wrong with the baby and it was recommended that we “terminate for medical reasons.” These words weren’t taken lightly. We both did a lot of research on what it would take to care for a child with such a condition. I even looked up support groups in our area. While they were there, what was offered for services definitely wasn’t impressive. I also came across an anonymous thread that asked people who had children with these circumstances if they would change anything if they could. Anecdotes about failed marriages due to the stress, children living longer than estimated with very little function, and how if they could they would have ended the pregnancy ensued. In the end, I just couldn’t bring a child into the world who would suffer from day one. We decided to go through with the termination for medical reasons. The name everyone loves to use for that is abortion.
This baby was very much wanted. It had taken us almost a year to conceive him. We had already started prepping a nursery and had a few baby items in the closet. Looking forward to that pregnancy and having that baby close to my dad’s birthday was one thing that was helping me deal with my father’s death which had just occurred 2 weeks prior to that initial bad prognosis. I can’t even begin to put into words the amount of heart break I felt having to make such a decision. I still remember barely getting through the phone calls we had to make to our families telling them what had happened and what we were going to do. I wanted nothing more than to crawl into a hole and die.
There were also lots of laws changing in the great state of Texas around that time. By the time we received all of the results from the testing so we could be 100% sure, I was at 20 weeks and 4 days. This means that even though every doctor we spoke to recommended we terminate, none of them were willing to touch me to perform said termination because it was illegal. We were on our own with no idea where to turn. I turned to a group I found on the internet.
We ended up having to go to a different state where the baby’s heart beat was stopped, I was induced, and I delivered my angel baby. During this journey, I was lovingly called a whore (you know, married ole me with a very much wanted baby out there whoring it up for all), a murderer, a soulless baby killer, an evil cunt who will burn in hell, someone even asked why I wanted to kill babies. These were just a few things amongst many that were either shouted at me or written by various internet trolls through the site I used to find the group who helped me though the termination.
We decided only to tell immediate family members and a few choice close friends the whole story. Due to the backlash already received, we decided just to tell everyone else that I had lost the pregnancy. It was a very hard grieving process that I’m not sure I’ve even dealt with fully. You just can’t compare someone who chooses to terminate a pregnancy to someone who actually suffers a loss, right? I feel that is wrong. Regardless of how it happened, both people are going through a very tough emotional period and are grieving a significant loss.
Why tell this story now? Why not just let people believe you lost the pregnancy?
Well, I had some issues with postpartum depression and anxiety after having Elias. After finally going and talking to a counselor, I realized that I never really fully dealt with my father’s death and the loss of a baby so close together. I was pretty much set up to be knocked into a pretty fun trip down hormone lane. I felt like getting this out there would help me process some things and hopefully help control some of the hormones after I have baby #2. I also thought I could clear up a few things about abortion:
- No one wants to have an abortion. It’s definitely not something I always dreamed would happen to me.
- It was very expensive and no, my insurance didn’t cover it. Neither did your tax dollars. It came out of pocket over the course of several, several months.
- Planned Parenthood couldn’t help me. However going through all of this made me start volunteering for them.
- Many women have no idea something is wrong with their pregnancy until 17-19 weeks along. Therefore those who choose “late-term” abortions are doing so around 20-23 weeks.
- No one is using it as a means of birth control.
- People do some pretty messed up stuff in the name of religion.
I’m not going to lie. I’ve had a lot of pent up anger over the past few years. Anger that this had to happen. Anger that so many people are so adamant about what women should do with their bodies when it is none of their damn business. Anger that it’s a political issue when it never should be. Anger that every time I look at my medical charts, I get to see the wonderful word abortion. Anger that every fricking place seems to want to know how many pregnancies I’ve had…even the dentist.
I joined a group in December that consists of all women expecting babies in June this year. Recently, two members of the group have had to deal with and go through similar circumstances. The outpouring of love and support for them has been incredible and gives me hope that one day we can all stop being dicks to each other for having a difference of opinion.